Short Stuff Page 8

  Chase’s smile was easy; it always seemed to be. “Sure.”

  Tommy’s awkwardness could do nothing but melt in the comfort and camaraderie that came along with playing the card game. The wind spoke, a hollow hum that echoed through the windows, but there was also a lot of laughter. As Tommy improved, so did his competitiveness, and what started as friendly trash talk quickly devolved into slapping each other’s hands through gales of laughter and tussling over cards through false accusations of cheating.

  “You did that on purpose,” Tommy said, breathless and still giggling.

  “What?” Chase pretended to order the center cards Tommy was accusing him of scattering, “I’d never cheat.”

  “You just can’t stand to lose to the new kid.” Tommy grabbed Chase’s hand before he could mess up the cards any further but stopped dead when Chase wrapped his fingers around his hand. Tommy ordered himself to inhale; he was just getting started on that when Chase kissed him.

  It was over before Tommy’s brain could wrap around it—his first kiss!—but just as he was sternly ordering himself to do something, anything, Chase leaned over again, slowly, with one hand splayed on the scattered cards and one coming to rest on the curve of Tommy’s neck. His thumb was under Tommy’s ear, and his lips were a little chapped and much, much more confident than Tommy’s.

  “Okay?” Chase asked; Tommy wasn’t sure if it was a request for permission or checking to make sure he was fine. Either way, the only answer was yes, and although he couldn’t bring himself to say it, please do it again.

  His face must have said it for him, because this time Chase telegraphed what he was going to do next, from the flick of his eyes over Tommy’s lips to the careful hand he put on Tommy’s knee. He closed his eyes before their lips touched. Tommy didn’t, though; he wanted to be wide-eyed, to memorize every second from the flutter of Chase’s black eyelashes to the way the light faded to gray as more clouds rolled in. Another storm was brewing, perhaps; but it was nothing, nothing compared to the rolling swell of need and nerves and hunger swallowing Tommy in this moment.

  Tommy’s lips tingled, damp where Chase had very carefully sucked at his lower lip. He pulled back, hoping to see Chase’s eyes flutter open, to read pleasure or happiness in them, to know with a look that he wasn’t failing at this one thing too. A kiss was something so simple on paper, but an unknown with too many potentials in action.

  “Okay?” It was his turn to ask and to hope Chase understood what he meant.

  “Really, really okay.” Chase’s half smile didn’t read as the confident smirk he so often wore, but something softer, maybe even as young as Tommy felt right then.

  Emboldened, or perhaps just drunk on his first kiss, Tommy touched Chase’s ear and cheekbone. “Okay enough for more?”

  “Hell, yeah,” Chase said. When he laughed into it with lips already open and breath warm against his skin, Tommy was surprised to learn that kissing could be many things. Kissing could be the kind of fun that was more than just feeling good and hormones, fun that was playful and so present in the moment.

  He had just begun to lean back, swaying with the pressure from Chase’s body, scattering cards carelessly, when they heard the slam of the screen door.

  “Oh, shit! God, sorry, sorry.” Cheryl covered her eyes and spun around.

  “Relax, everyone is dressed,” Chase said.

  Mortified, Tommy buried his face in his hands. His cheeks blazed hot against cold palms.

  “I’m just…we’re going to go back. Yeah.” Tommy peeked up in time to see Jake peeking over her shoulder, smiling way too wide and giving Chase the most unsubtle thumbs up of all time.

  “Oh, well—”

  “Sounds great. Shoo,” Chase said before Tommy could demur politely.

  “Oh, my god.” Tommy said when the door closed behind them.

  “Come on.” Chase stood and tugged on the shoulder of Tommy’s sleeve. “Wanna go to my room? It’s more private.”

  Holy shit. Okay. This was happening. Tommy took a breath. He wanted more privacy, he wanted to die of mortification, and he had no idea how to ask for more kisses even when he knew he really wasn’t ready for a lot of stuff that “privacy” implied. Still, he let Chase catch his hand and followed him into his room. It was a mess, with clothes on literally every surface, down to a shirt hanging from a lampshade. Most of the sheets and the blanket had slid onto the floor. The windows were cracked, which was the source of the hollow, eerie whistle of wind he’d been hearing all along. It was chilly. Chase sat on the bed, and so did Tommy. He couldn’t forget, though, Cheryl’s knowing smile and Jake’s thumbs up. What the hell was he doing here with a gorgeous guy who probably knew what he was doing?

  “Hey, it’s cool,” Chase said, pulling Tommy’s hands from his face. “It’s not the end of the world. Haven’t you ever been caught—”

  “Oh, um. Well, no.” Tommy took a breath. “You’d have to have been…kissing someone. For that.”

  “Tommy.” Chase’s smile split his face, so he looked younger, infinitely more vulnerable and open. “Was that your first kiss?”

  “Is it completely embarrassing if I say it was?”

  “Uh, no.” Chase fist pumped the air. “Score team Chase.”

  “Score?” Tommy tried to control his face.

  “No, no, not like that.” Chase scooted back until he was propped against the wall. “I mean like…this is really nice. I’m excited and…honored. Oh, my god, that’s so cheesy isn’t it?”

  “No,” Tommy said. A smile rose from his toes to his fingers and seeped through to his lips. “Well, maybe. A little. But not in a bad way.”

  “You only get to be someone’s first kiss once. If ever. That’s pretty awesome.”

  “Have you been someone else’s?” Emboldened, Tommy put his hand on Chase’s knee.

  “No.” Chase rolled his eyes. “I know I come off confident and all. I’m told it’s kind of annoying sometimes. But I’ve only ever kissed one other person.”

  Tommy started to speak but bit back his questions.

  “How’d someone like you go so long with no kisses?” Chase asked.

  “I go to a small Catholic school. We’ve all known each other for years. I mean, there could be another gay kid at my school, but, if there is, I don’t know. It would be weird anyway.”

  “I can see that.”

  “But wait,” Tommy said as he turned toward Chase. “What do you mean, someone like me?”

  Chase traced the backs of Tommy’s fingers. Tommy twitched under the soft touch. “You know how cute you are, right?”

  Tommy wrinkled his nose. “Cute?”

  “As in, good looking. And just—” Chase waved a hand, as if to encompass all of him. “Just you. I like everything about you.”

  “Uh.” Tommy cleared his throat. “Something must be wrong with you then. Because all of me includes the weird parts. Like when I say the wrong thing, which is ninety percent of my conversation. And man, I’m so awkward. I mean, yesterday I tripped over nothing at all and have sand burns on both knees.”

  Chase kissed below Tommy’s earlobe and spoke against his skin. “That’s part of it,” he said. Heat flooded Tommy’s body, and he marveled that such a small thing, just one kiss, could make his whole body light up. “It’s endearing.”

  When Chase swayed against him, Tommy let himself be pressed back until he was on his back with Chase propped up next to him. Chase’s hair hung down around his face. Tommy wanted so, so much, to learn if his hair was as silky as it looked and what Chase’s lips might look like after endless kisses and if Chase would feel the electricity of a simple kiss to his neck. Tommy thought maybe, with Chase’s gold-lit eyes unwavering, he could see what Chase would look like if Tommy kissed his neck—if he was brave enough.

  Tommy figured he could be that brave. But he was also uncomfortabl
e, contorted with his legs hanging off the bed, and completely unsure of what the boundaries were, or how to set them.

  “Take your shoes off,” Chase said, kicking off his own flip-flops and scooting up until he was lying on his side. Tommy did and lay down, too. Emboldened by Chase’s smile and how comfortable he seemed, Tommy scooted until there was barely any room between them, just enough to feel the electric charge of potential running hot, sparking between their bodies. He put his hand on Chase’s hip. His index finger slipped under Chase’s shirt accidentally.

  “Chase,” Tommy said. He licked his lips; his nerves buzzed even louder than desire. “I…I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t want to make you think I’m—”

  “Tommy. Can I kiss you? I promise, there’s no pressure. I’d say I am cool with anything you want, but…I’m not. I mean, I’m not ready for more than that really.”

  Tommy sighed and smiled with his whole body. Chase trailed a touch from the knob of his wrist, over his forearm, and around his bicep. “You can definitely kiss me. A lot.”

  When he was alone in his bed that night, Tommy mulled over the things he’d learned. How simple touches could make his body sing. How he had the power to make a good-looking, confident boy turn to putty when he sucked lightly along his collarbone. He was delighted to find out, after several kisses, each their own experiment in what worked best, that a sharp nip to his bottom lip could be very, very dangerous. Should future Tommy ever get to make out with a kind, beautiful boy again, he’d try to remember long division the moment he was kissed like that again.

  Chapter Five

  Tommy awoke the next morning to silence; the wind must have died down, thank god. At first, the constant whistle of air and the buffeting noise of wind burst had been cool, atmospheric. After a few days, it felt as if his ears had been assaulted. Now hey rang in the silence left by the absence of wind.

  It was his last day. Tomorrow was the long drive back home to his normal life, away from what felt like the first time he’d ever really been awake. Tommy smiled at his own melodrama and ran his fingers over the sensitive skin of his stomach. He only had a few weeks until his life would change again, until past Tommy would have to dive into a completely different world, forced to become future Tommy. He would never admit this to anyone, but he was to-the-bones-terrified of what was to come. Or, well, he’d never admitted it before. Until this moment he hadn’t even let himself wallow to trace the shape of his fear.

  Maybe he could admit it now because he woke up a completely different person, someone who had been kissed, who really, really understood how hungry his body could be, how greedy he could feel for more and more. If allowed, Tommy could gladly kiss Chase (and maybe more) every day for weeks.

  His stomach dropped, the fluttering of remembered arousal free-fell into anxiety. Why did he kiss Chase anyway? Aside from the obvious. Because the truth was that there was an even bigger obvious. They’d started something that could never go anywhere. A deep insecurity had always been sewn into him that he would never be desirable, that he’d never get a first kiss, much less a second. He’d never have someone hold his hand or get a casual kiss hello and a longer kiss goodbye and everything that came after those kisses. And those were all things he and Chase could never give each other. Chase had already had those kisses with someone else.

  Another lesson learned: Tommy wasn’t made for casual. Kisses were nice (okay, amazing), but he wanted…a boyfriend.

  “Tommy?” His mother tapped on the door. “You up yet, honey?”

  He huffed. “I am now.” A glance at his phone told him it was 11:30, which he conceded was a little late. He had been up anyway.

  “Well, lunch is ready if you want some sort of first meal of the day.”

  He pulled on basketball shorts and a clean shirt. She was still hovering by the door when he emerged. She ruffled his hair and smiled with a fondness he thought was maybe edged with something else: longing, wistfulness. They didn’t talk about it much, but he knew she wasn’t ready for him to go either.

  “Sorry. I guess I was tired.”

  “I guess that happens when you stay out ’til one in the morning with friends you’ve only just met.”

  “Mom—”

  “I’m kidding, honey,” she said. He shuffled past her. The kitchen table was loaded with leftovers: reheated pasta, some ribs, coleslaw, and a buffet of sandwich makings. He grabbed some of everything, kissed her cheek in thanks, and made his way to the screened-in porch. The bright sun played over the water; skittering clouds spilled inky blue over the lake’s otherwise-variegated shades, sapphire to periwinkle.

  Laughter spilled across the lawns. A couple of Chase’s younger cousins were crammed onto a low wooden swing and shouting the words to a repetitive song, changing the lyrics from time to time and cracking each other up. An impromptu soccer game seemed to be going on.

  “It’s going to be a beautiful day.” His mom joined him on the porch. Her fingers were wrapped around a glass of iced tea. “Thank god. I think maybe this was the worst beach vacation we’ve ever had.”

  “Oh, I don’t know,” Tommy said carelessly. “It’s been pretty awesome.”

  “Oh, has it?” Her glass clinked when she set it on the table. “Wanna talk about it?”

  Tommy blushed so hard, so suddenly, he surprised even himself. “No. I don’t know.” They’d never had a conversation like this. Jerry had done the sex talk thing, which had been agonizing, not because they didn’t have a good relationship, but because he’d admittedly had no idea how to talk about sex that wasn’t of the hetero variety and Tommy had ended up having to talk him through it.

  “It’s the strangest thing, you know,” she said. Her eyes were on the horizon. “Knowing that, in a few weeks, you’re going to have a life that I’ll know nothing about.”

  “That’s not true,” Tommy said. Her lips were pressed together; he made that face, too, whenever he was trying to control a deep emotion. “I’ll still come home and call. I’m not leaving forever or anything.”

  “Oh, honey. But you are. It won’t ever be the same.”

  “True.” He took her hand. From his bones to his heart, he knew then exactly what she meant. Growing up with her, having her around for him whenever he wanted, he’d taken that for granted. Soon, she’d only know the pieces of him he chose to share. And it would be so easy to drift away. Tommy swallowed. Maybe it would be best to start figuring out how to create new bridges now, so it wouldn’t be too hard when he was gone. “Wanna know something?”

  “Yes.” She squeezed his hand.

  “Chase kissed me last night.” Telling her wasn’t as hard as he’d thought it might be.

  “First kiss?” Her smile lit up her face.

  “Yeah.” Tommy bit his lip. “And it was…” She waited him out, even when his hand slipped from hers. He traced the wooden grain of the table. “Amazing,”

  “That’s wonderful. Really. I wish—” She broke off with a little laugh.

  “What?”

  “My first kiss was so awful. It was awkward and…well, bad.” She winked at him. “A good first kiss is something for the books, honey.”

  Dreamily, he remembered how his heart had pounded so hard it hurt, his surprise, and his acquiescence to pleasure. “But I’ll never see him again.” The acknowledgement hit like whiplash.

  “That’s hard. But, Tommy.” His mother met his eyes. “It’ll be a good memory, right? You’ll always have that.”

  He smiled. “Definitely.”

  They sat in silence. Idly, he watched as Ethan scored a goal and the adults sitting around the game cheered.

  “Thanks, Mom,” he said finally. “For talking to me. Like this.”

  “No, honey.” She stood and cupped his cheek, then kissed his forehead. “Thank you for sharing that with me.”

  Half an hour later Hannah and Ethan wander
ed over, asking to go down to the water.

  “I can take them,” he told his mom.

  “It’s so nice, let’s all go down.” She was slathering Ethan with sunscreen. “Would you mind getting that lounge chair out of storage for me?”

  “Uh, sure.” Tommy grabbed sunglasses and worked his way down to the shed that was under their deck. Truth be told, he did mind, because it was damp and gross. Earwigs and spiders loved it in there, also, occasionally, toads. Not that he minded any of those so much individually, but he wasn’t a fan of all of them all at once, skittering out and from under things unexpectedly. He wrestled the chair down and settled it in a patch of shade that he knew would be sunny once the sun broke over the tall trees behind their cottage. Last night, Hannah and Ethan had dug a giant hole in the sand right by the volleyball net, which seemed like an accident in the making. With a sigh, he settled in the sand and slowly filled it in.

  “What’s this, early morning labor?”

  Tommy’s head popped up at the sound of Chase’s voice. “More like afternoon labor.”

  Chase sat next to him. “True. I only just woke up, so it’s morning to me.”

  “Same.” Tommy ran his fingers through the sand. “I figured if anyone wanted to play volleyball, this looked like a broken leg, at minimum. I’m guessing my siblings are responsible.”

  “Naw.” Chase began shoveling the sand. “All the kids were involved.”

  Tommy paused to look Chase over. His cheeks were a little pink, and the smile he tossed at Tommy was bright, but a bit uncertain.

  “Morning,” Tommy said softly.

  “Afternoon,” Chase said.

  Tommy jostled him with his shoulder. “It’s a time of day.” he bit his lip and gathered courage. “I’m happy to see you, no matter what time it is.”

  Chase stopped shoveling and leaned closer. Tommy had a split second to marvel at his own daring; he was about to kiss a boy in broad daylight on a beach. Jake’s voice startled them.